IVF

February 16. Tonight when I pee there is a small amount of light pink blood on toilet paper. A shade of pink I've never had in a period or through this process. I assume, since it is allegeldy n its way, this is the start of my period! At dinner my husband and I discuss next steps: calling clinic, picking up meds, etc. It is exciting! But also a bit scary! I try to get to the root of why scary and it seems a mix of things, nother overwhelming just a tinge. A combination of all these things really: Medicine (I don't even take headache relief medicine), the needles, the general anesthesia. I am not a worrier by nature and these thoughts are not ones I obsess over I just think in aggregrate these things compile the bit of scary/nervousness I feel.

I wear a pad but the next morning there is only the smallest amount of blood (dried and brown by now). The next day, nothing. I call the clinic and leave a message of this as an FYI since they are monitoring me but I say don't call back unless you want to (I didn't hear back). Cramps were so bad at times. At times I doubled over in pain and once I actually grabbed my desk it was so bad. They never lasted long they came in waves.

I was afraid for the (please please) next pregnancy I might be more emotionally cautious. Not allow myself to fully give my heart. But, again, time. I'm such a sappy hopeful sucker. Tear my heart out spit on it run it over with a truck; I'll still happily hand it over fully expecting nothing but goodness in return. Dangerous but I don't know any other way to be.

Back on track for IVF.

They say I am a great candidate for IVF because they know I can hold a pregnancy (lining was good, emrbyo was attached, fetal pole had formed, baby had heartbeat, etc.) and because I am having the embryos screened and am not opposed to twins. The Dr office is of course clear to state nothing is guaranteed but they are "cautiously optimistic" this will work for me. So if they are right, I could be preg by Spring = season of new life. Maybe that is a sign!

So why undergo fertility treatment when clearly I am not infertile? IVF is the only way our embies can be screened and this is my sole purpose for undergoing treatment. I will do anything in my power to avoid losing another baby. They will biopsy our embryos to ensure there are no chromosomal abnormalities and then transfer. This is HUGE not only because we lost our first due to a chromosomal abnormality but also because at my age the single egg I produce each month has about 50% chance of being chromosomally abnormal. Fifty. Percent. I don't like those odds. AND, chromosomal losses are responsible for the majority of miscarriages. So by using IVF we produce multiple eggs in a single cycle *and* screen the embryos to mitigate the likelihood of another chromosomal loss. Both increase our chances for a healthy baby <3

And the Dr wants to transfer two healthy frozen embryos (I will call them "frembies). Because they will have been screened this means there is less chance for loss which thus means likelihood will stick. The figures for screened embryos at my age are as follows:

One healthy/tested embryo transferred 60% success of one healthy baby, 4% twins

Two healthy/tested embryos transferred 80% success of one healthy baby, 40% twins

I dont mind twins-my sister has twins. I don't necessarily "want" twins as some people do but I'm not opposed to them either as some people are. Really-I do want two kids and if this is the healthiest/best way to proceed I will do as Dr. recommends. I would not undergo IVF treatment and choose not have my embryos tested.  Too much is at risk. The additional cost is beyond worth it.

Once upon a time embryo freezing was not as sophisticated as it is today. It was a slower process that allowed ice crystals to form which resulted in a higher chance frembies would not survive the thaw. Now embryo freezing is done much faster through a process called vitrification and a thawed embryo is just as healthy and happy as a fresh. 

Step 1: IVF Orientation. We meet with a nurse and an embryologist for a couple of hours. So he can "produce a sample" they take Chris to the J.O./Porn Room which he said looks like my exam room but with a recliner, tv, magazines, and a giant fan. Next we are walked through IVF, which I mean by now I could the damned orientation I've been researching the process for so long.

I do leave the office feeling a tad overwhelmed (I know every step there could be a FAIL. It's like building a house of cards. Even if I produce multiple eggs, even if embryos are good, even if I get pregnant-one misstep along the way could send it tumbling down and put us back at square one.) but I feel I am in the most capable hands on earth.

Step 2: Hysteroscopy. Otherwise known as a camera in my cervix which PA told me "will feel similar to the D&C." Sigh. This is scheduled to take place between days 4-11 of my period but I can't be actively bleeding (very much). Because I am not doing a fresh transfer it is ok to have this procedure done during stimulation.

So waiting on my period to begin so I can go to the clinic and get baseline bloodwork and ultrasounds done and then the hysteroscopy. It will be a busy vagina day!

Baseline Bloowork and Ultrasound
Yes, you have your period when the (vaginal) ultrasound is performed. Another excellent reason to buy shares in wipes.

Hysteroscopy
Reading online, some women say this is horrible pain, some say it is a piece of cake, and most say they were under general anesthesia during (turns out this is based on the underlying reasons for performing). Ok so I know I will not be under general anesthesia and I know the PA said it will feel l ike the D&C. So I have been gearing myself up for weeks to power through this procedure mentally and emotionally. We have taken the day off work and bought a loaf of bread and planned for a nice time in a local birdpark afterwards so I focus on this as I climb onto the table.

Dr: Ok I'm threading the tube through

My head: Ok I don't feel anything the pain must not start until the tube is all the way in

Dr: Ok I'm in the cervix now...

My head: Okok I'm still ok no pain it must not start until...shit what are the parts of my body-uterus? ok pain must not start til the tube goes there

Dr: Ok looking at your right tube now....take a look at the screen

My head: !?!?!? Let's just get to the pain part!!!

Carrie: (So consumed with fear of horrific pain about to ensue voice shakes) Wow that's really amazing!

Dr: (Charlie Brown voice at this point I'm just gearing up for the pain and listening for keywords like "cancer," "death," "not conducive to bearing a child")

Dr: Ok everything looks great. I'm going to take a quick biopsy to (words fade)

My Head: Okaaaay heeeeere we go. Here is the pain. I knew it was coming. But before my brain could even finish processing that thought I saw a mechanical pincher on the screen worm its way towards a fleshy wall and close. The tiniest "nip" of discomfort but it was done before I even knew it was happening!

Then, it's over! OVER!?!? It was like a Pap smear without the awkward breast exam (so how's work? squeezes nipple).

We pick up our fertility meds from the pharmacy and wait for the clinic's confirmation call for go time!