Expecting

We decided to finally "try" in mid to late October. It was the first time we had sex without protection. My period is regular; I didn't buy kits or take my temperature. I simply watched my cervical mucus and calculated my predicted ovulation dates which didn't coincide with each other-they were nearly a week off-so we did it every day for two weeks to cover all our bases. Those two weeks, even though it wasn't scientifically proven only suggested, we did it missionary style and I made sure I uh...you know...each time which allegedly helps pull more sperm inside. Which is one of the many times in this process I have thought how fascinating the human body is (who knew orgasm isn't just to feel good).

About that time I made an appointment for November 11 with a high-risk fertility doctor due to my "advanced maternal age" (their words). They performed a vaginal ultrasound and took blood to test my AMH level (egg quantity). They would like to see 1.5 at my age (38) which would be average. I was at .3 which is lower than "very low" (.5) on the AMH level chart. Based on that AMH level and my age they recommended IVF right off the bat. I supported this path because I knew from the start, due to my age, this was a likely necessity and I was mentally and emotionally prepared. I was to get my period November 14 during which they would check my FSH levels (egg quality).

So despite the poor odds that'd I'd be pregnant from those two weeks of trying I thought to myself: from here on out it's going to be needles and Petrie dishes. On the off chance I am pregnant naturally this will be the only time I can have that special experience of seeing the result and surprising Chris. So on Friday November 13 I walk to Walgreens and pick up First Response. The cashier packs it up in a brown paper bag for me which I loudly uncrinkle in the work bathroom soon after. It was like the only time ever I have had the entire work bathroom to myself, what luck! I pee on the stick and am prepared to wait 3 minutes. I don't have to. I am not even finished peeing when two bright pink solid lines immediately appear <3

I can't believe it!!!!!!! Without even thinking I so happily and so thankfully whisper out loud, "Thank you God! Thank you thank you thank you!" Those first few minutes of being the only person in the world knowing a life was growing inside me are some of the most precious I will ever experience. It's so funny because just a few days before at the clinic I'd been looking around at the women in the waiting room wondering how many of bellies had babies in them and little did I know at the time that mine did!

As I exit the bathroom I want to yell from the mountaintops "I'm pregnant!" But I do not. I hadn't thought about who to tell or when to tell or what to tell!  I instantly think how I plan to tell my Chris then I facetime my sister at work. Which, who facetimes someone at work!? But I just have to see her in person when I share the news!

That evening I walk to the train to head home and, unbelievably, it is on-time. The train that is habitually late is, stunningly, on-time! I take this as a sign-all is right with the world!

So, how to share the wonderful news with my Chris: I say I have a craving for Wegmans garlic bread (it's hit or miss but when it's hit it's so so good) so we drive about 25 minutes to the closest location. We enter the parking lot. I am looking for something but he doesn't know this. He obediently circles the lot on my command until finally "Hey pull in there," I say, and motion to a spot. He pulls in and notices it says "For expecting mothers." I pull out the pregnancy test and show him those beautiful pink lines!

That next Monday the clinic takes my blood and confirms we "miraculously" (again, their words) have conceived on our first try! Due date: July 19, our Leo baby <3

I want to pause here for an aside. I *knew* I was pregnant. I knew from the moment of, or close to, conception. And "knowing" is different than thinking or feeling. If I hadn't experiened this myself I wouldn't believe it possible. I just happen to be one who is innately in touch with her body and I noticed changes immediatley. I actually wrote down these symptoms expecting to one day share them with my little boy/girl:

• I had an incident of heart burn (I *never* get this)
• I felt slightly crampy (I *never* get period cramps)
• I was so very hungry*
• I was markedly tired
• I am usually freezing at work but I noticed I started feeling warm and flushed-even had to turn on my little fan a few times
• I was uncharacteristically emotional for two days (crying over memory of the True Blue Madonna record my sister gave me for a birthday present as a kid and feeling I wanted to beat people on the train to death with my umbrella)
• I was very nauseus one morning
• I turned into a complete clutz (tripped 3 times, ran into the wall twice, dropped my phone once, put empty dog food container in the refrigerator plus other silly things)

*Like, URGENTLY hungry. If I got a hunger feeling and didn't eat nearly immediately I felt so sick. Turns out my sister experienced the same during her pregnancies! She told me she kept crackers in her nightstand and some nights the crinkle would wake her husband, "Are you eating?"

Looking online, some women also seem to "know" while others have no idea. So I share this because if you are searching the internet for "did you know you were pregnant," you are not crazy, I definitely knew!

Back to the story.

All sorts of baby, pregnancy, parenting things take place!

I experience, heck I even welcome, the typical pregnancy issues. Like I can't stop eating fruit!! And smells, oh my gosh! I am extra sensitive to-like our Christmas wreaths are overpowering every time I walk into the kitchen, old people in the pharmacy that smell like pee and make me dry heave. And I want carbs! I crave pasta and bread which is not like me. Chalk it all up to just a baby in the making (:

And "for the baby" we got our first flu shots ever! And on the sheet where it asks if the recipient is pregnant I draw a happy face and write "I am pregnant!"

The crib I'd had my eye on for literally years goes on final sale! We order it!

We go to the bookstore and spend hours in the child section shedding tears of pure joy and anticipation as we show each other books: lessons, stories, values we can't wait to share with our child. Children Bibles, National Geographic for kids, Berenstain Bears! We talk about all our favorites literary characters growing up (Frances!) and excitedly relay how we will introduce that magic to our baby!

I bring my packs of sugar free gum and mints to work and leave in the common area so I don't forget and ingest.

I buy tiny-sized cans of full sugar grape soda (I don't normally drink soda).

My sister sends me book What to Expect When You're Expecting.

I don't spend a lot of time online period and researching pregnancy is no exception. The forums are often full of anxious and worried women and that just isn't me. I am so kumbaya about the whole thing so aside from reading threads pertinent to me like "I am eating a ton of food" the only thing I do is download some apps that look cool and track your pregnancy. When I learned I was pregnant my baby was the size of a poppyseed, which was the name of my grandfather, no longer with us. It seemed another "sign" that all was positive and good and right! It is so exciting to see each week how baby is developing. Honestly, I had no idea. I just had no idea how *soon* everything develops. It really is pretty amazing!

The clinic monitors me weekly.

November 25. During my vaginal ultrasound (all of my ultrasounds were "vaginal," try explaining that to Uncles) everything looks perfect! Nurse prints me out two copies of our baby! Dr. says chance of miscarriage at this stage is < 12%.

I talk to my sister about whether to share the news with my parents. What she says strongly resonates with me: "You only have one 'first pregnancy.' Enjoy it, share it, be happy!"

We share our news with our parents then with family and a few close friends on Thanksgiving Day <3

December 2. During my ultrasound two things happen. 1) We see the heartbeat! But 2) Baby is measuring a week behind. I am at 7 weeks, baby is measuring at 6 weeks. Physician Assistant dismisses this and says it is common and I probably have my ovulation or period dates off. Dr. says chance of miscarriage at this stage is < 4%. So while on one hand I am ecstatic we have a heartbeat, on the other hand the size issue is a red flag for me because I *know* my dates are right. Nonetheless, I try to tuck that into the back of my mind and focus on the positive: that tiny amazing beautiful heartbeat!!